recently
night
when I was 19 nights like these would just have taken me out on the street, into some bar optionally with a girl friend for the good laugh or just with my notebook and a pen for being emo. Well not that this is about growing old and becoming wiser or anything, as I don't feel like I have grown up a bit since my 16th birthday, it's just that recently I'm lacking the power to not give a fuck, while that is excactly all I wanna do and I'm pretty sure that would just be the best for all of us. But as a matter of fact I'm still being too arrogant on this to not to care and plus winter is coming and sucking up most of myself anyway, which leads to: Spending the night before a midweek holiday at home under uncountable layers of blankets watching movies about the 1930's and movies about sex. or movies about sex in the 1930's.And as most of the bad things that happened last autumn / winter just repeat in excactly the same way they did last year, pray for me that i don't brake my rib bones on christmas again.
And maybe that's why I feel this urge to stay home under my pillows, with my hot tea and my 1930 sex movies.
Katie
moments
the old wooden ladder creaked as we went up it's stairs from a friend's aparment somewhere in berlin. the heavy hatch opened us a secret passage to the most beautiful sunset. the rooftop our's, with the whole world to our feet.smoke, airplanes and birds in the air and god doing too much coke, so the evening skies would turn bloody read. what a laugh.
and we'd travel to nameless countries if we could, but most of all we'd just stay there. until the sun set there was nothing that could harm us.
a moment on a rooftop in wedding, berlin.
run
still i walked when i shoulda run
and i ran when i shoulda walked
and don't i know it
and don't i know it
be careful what you wish for
i wantedmore action
more fun
more drama
more ups
more downs
more love
more laughter
more friends
more fiends
more drinks
more drugs
more party
more stories
more sound
more beat
something to believe in.
more than ever
1 am in my mom's kitchen
the window's open,
still smoky inside.
a mango i plan to eat for breakfast lies next to me.
a pack of wild rice i plan to take back with me to tokyo too.
moving more than ever,
still stuck.
i'm making preparations for so many small things
but not for myself.
i feel like it's easy to move your body from place to place.
but i think i lost my mind somewhere,
maybe at the airport in shanghai.
changes
On March 11 the biggest earthquake of the century hit Japan and left a the whole country in horror. I, carrying a suitcase packed for not more than 3 days, left for Osaka and then Germany. All my beloved friends scattered to the four winds: some still in Tokyo, some went to south Japan and some back in their home countries.
Being in Germany is a huge cure for the soul. No need to run here, but too much time leaves no time to rest your mind. So now, 3 days before I have to take my flight back to Tokyo I still haven't decided on whether to stay or take another year off and stay in Berlin, doing an internship and start school next April. On the one hand I don't want to waste one year on the other hand the radiation levels around Japan are still out of control and I'm very worried about myself and all my friends, who are still in Tokyo.
It's hard to say where we all gonna end up. But all that made me really realize how much I love this country, how much I love it's people and how much I want to go back to how we were before. But for now there are decisions to be made. And I have only 3 days left.
Katie
your heart can't be colder than this world of ice and snow
It's the first snow I've ever seen in Tokyo, and it's also the first snow I have seen in let's say 3 years. I'm definitely not somebody who ever enjoys winter. With a low blood pressure and shaking knees whenever the temperature falls under 15 degrees, all I actually want to do during the cold months is to stay in my little cold apartment and hide under my bed sheets with hot tea, movies and books all by myself.
But no matter how much I wish for the spring to come, for the sun shining through the sheer curtains into my room early in the morning, ice cream in the noon and cold beer in the evening sun, for long walks through still undiscovered parts of the city, sleeping on the grass in Yoyogi Park, freckles all over my face, and so on and on...No matter how much I'm longing for this season to start, it won't. At least not for a while and to make it all worse it will still get colder, wetter, sadder until the sun finally shows some mercy.
But today when I saw the snow in front of my window, I had to take a walk. I had to go outside to hear the snow crunch under my feet, to let the snow flakes melt on my face.
And then I remembered how my mom, my dad and me used to sit in my dads huge truck, in the middle of the coldest winter, how our feet were cozily warm from the heater and how the thick snowflakes battered against the windscreen, driving somewhere.
I think it was France. And that was me all alone on Valentines Day.
Katie
no more heart shaped chocolate, please! !
There will be a day soon,that I don't sit here in front of this keyboard,
which now seems too big for my thoughts,
until 1 am, thinking about a way to make words lighter.
so i try to write them down on paper,
but they're still too heavy
so paper breaks.
and I should get some sleep now.
It's Valentines Day soon. Valentines Day is the only day of the year that I really have a cordial dislike towards. Poor bitter little thing.
wouldn't mind someone taking me up the Eiffel Tower though.
Katie
in search of
It seems like a decade has passed, while I was doing nothing. Not even getting up in the morning, not even trying to. Just floating around from here to there, only sometimes a little higher on red wine and someones jokes. The year is still so young and I'm not too sure yet what I want it to become like. What I want to become. I know that I want to learn how to ride a skate board, but honestly that's all.So I started to watch a lot of movies, read a lot of books and listen to a lot of stories, to maybe figure out what my stories should be like.
So I went to my friend's new apartment this Saturday for her birthday. To be honest, I never believed there is a single place in Tokyo where someone with European living standards could feel home. But when I saw this place, and how much love my friend put into every little detail, for the first time in a long time I kind of felt home. So in the morning, when she had already left for work, I cleaned up the glasses still full of Vodka-Dr. Pepper (yes...), leftovers from our beauty session and took a bath. And even though it was the first time at this place, it felt so homelike.
I guess when you put a lot of effort and love into a house it becomes a place where the soul can completely rest. So I thought, this is what I want to do first in this year: create myself a home, finally.
I even lit some candles yesterday.
Katie
across grey oceans
Yesterday I went to Kamakura and Enoshima to see the ocean.
I walked down the beach for miles,
and I believe that
the sound of the waves,
the subsidence of your shoes in the wet sand,
the running from the tide,
the sea gulls above you,
the breeze messing up your hair,
the restlessness that arises
and the urge to hurl yourself into the cold water,
are the only cure there is.
Katie
this whole world's wild at heart and weird on top
i take off the make-up of two days. two days that i haven't been home, been too wild, drank too much, talked too much. now it's 1 am and I let skin breath, let myself breath.
been out again tonight, but somehow I felt that now the source went dry. In a state of being fatigued and completely satisfied at the same time I try to reflect the past 2 weeks little by little. 2 weeks off from school, 2 weeks of letting every thing that should matter dissociate from myself so that I could trail off a little and put my thoughts in order again.
so i let every thing just flow, just go his natural way for a while, danced, drank, laughed, broke bones, cried, been high and down and let a facet of all imaginable emotions pass me by.
I think I just buried the angsty, insecure October, November, December child alive. Tomorrow I will go and see the ocean and give myself and 2011 a little refreshment of mind, so that we can make some magic again this year.
I went to see my friends at Nude Trump last night, we drank red wine, ate nostalgic cheese, sang Japanese post-war songs and talked until late night. I love to hear their stories.
hibernation
One consequence of my temporary somewhat aimless existence shows itself
in the every day efforts of keeping skin moistened,
eyes dry
and lips red, so that words would come out a little more sweet,
and a little less harsh.
I guess I'm just hibernating.
I was drawing on my Bunka application photo today while waiting for my friend at home.
2011
I just came home and without even being sleepy at all I sit here in my small apartment at 6 am. The year 2011 is 6 hours old, the year 2010 died 6 hours ago.What I took with me from the old year are broken bones and some stories about broken hearts, broken promises, broken rules and broken borders. 2010 did just as many good things to me as it did bad things. It seems unreal, but the first sunrise of the new year proof enough that it's ok to forget about what happened yesterday and the 365 days before.
What I will miss most about 2010 are it's memories. Sometimes I just move to fast, being somewhat reckless with beautiful moments and just as I realize it, they are already forgotten and I regret not to have saved them in the huge database brain. So now, 6:30 am, Jens Lekman purring love songs into the earliest hours of the 1st of January, I try hard to recall the most memorable moments of each month in 2010.
January: We all woke up at my friends apartment in Shimotakaido excactly one year ago on 01/01. We took a long long walk to a temple in Medaimae, just to see 10000 people standing in line and going back home for Nabe-Lunch.
February: My calendar says that on 02/25 I had my first ice cream of 2010. I guess that was the happiest moment of February.
March: empty.
April: 04/02, the last Teenage Kicks. After that Tokyo Parties just became boring and shallow.
May: 05/14, I went to see the XX with my best friend in Daikanyama. Two hours before the concert started we sat down by the riverside in Nakameguro had sparkling wine and champagne ice cream. Even though it was raining a little bit we sat there until 5 minutes before the concert started. It was one of the most beautiful days of the year. After the concert we stole a pig, ran to Ebisu, I went to see some friends in some Boobs-Bar in Shinjuku and with the last train I went back to my friends place and we made the covers for my friend Risas first Mix CD and I named it: Feed my poison.
June: 06/05, BIG BEACH FESTIVAL 2010. Nothing more to say. The best day of the year.
July: 07/09, my mom arrived in Japan and stayed a whole month. My favorite time of the year.
August: My mom left and a few days later my friend Tommy came to visit from Germany and stayed for ONE MONTH.
September: My birthday on 09/08 was Dooms day, but on 13/09 we all went to my friend Mari's bar in Takadanobaba and had a terrific birthday party.
October: There wasn't anything really good in October. I handed in my application for Bunka Fashion College and started becoming an sad, bitter and bored something. Summer was over and no one in sight to keep my bed warm during the cold season.
November: 11/13, dooms day 2010 pt. 2. I had my entrance exam for Bunka. I think I peed my pants that day. But the announced the results on the 24th and everything turned out well. hey, I'm in.
December: One of the saddest months of 2010. I wanted to go home to Germany so badly, but I couldn't, which really made me start to hate Tokyo. But at the end of 2010 I started to take heart from my life again.
So here I am now, 2011/01/01, 7 am and I wonder who would like to spend the day with me today. And I wonder what the day will bring.
Hello 2011.
The last sunset of 2010.
Katie
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