in search of

in search of

It seems like a decade has passed, while I was doing nothing. Not even getting up in the morning, not even trying to. Just floating around from here to there, only sometimes a little higher on red wine and someones jokes. The year is still so young and I'm not too sure yet what I want it to become like. What I want to become. I know that I want to learn how to ride a skate board, but honestly that's all. 
So I started to watch a lot of movies, read a lot of books and listen to a lot of stories, to maybe figure out what my stories should be like. 
So I went to my friend's new apartment this Saturday for her birthday. To be honest, I never believed there is a single place in Tokyo where someone with European living standards could feel home. But when I saw this place, and how much love my friend put into every little detail, for the first time in a long time I kind of felt home. So in the morning, when she had already left for work, I cleaned up the glasses still full of Vodka-Dr. Pepper (yes...), leftovers from our beauty session and took a bath. And even though it was the first time at this place, it felt so homelike.
I guess when you put a lot of effort and love into a house it becomes a place where the soul can completely rest. So I thought, this is what I want to do first in this year: create myself a home, finally.
I even lit some candles yesterday.

photos by Mami

Katie

across grey oceans

across grey oceans

Yesterday I went to Kamakura and Enoshima to see the ocean.  

I walked down the beach for miles,

and I believe that

the sound of the waves,

the subsidence of your shoes in the wet sand,

the running from the tide,

the sea gulls above you,

the breeze messing up your hair,

the restlessness that arises

and the urge to hurl yourself into the cold water,

are the only cure there is.

Katie

this whole world's wild at heart and weird on top

this whole world's wild at heart and weird on top

i take off the make-up of two days. two days that i haven't been home, been too wild, drank too much, talked too much. now it's 1 am and I let skin breath, let myself breath. 

been out again tonight, but somehow I felt that now the source went dry. In a state of being fatigued and completely satisfied at the same time I try to reflect the past 2 weeks little by little. 2 weeks off from school, 2 weeks of letting every thing that should matter dissociate from myself so that I could trail off a little and put my thoughts in order again.

so i let every thing just flow, just go his natural way for a while, danced, drank, laughed, broke bones, cried, been high and down and let a facet of all imaginable emotions pass me by. 

I think I just buried the angsty, insecure October, November, December child alive. Tomorrow I will go and see the ocean and give myself and 2011 a little refreshment of mind, so that we can make some magic again this year.

I went to see my friends at Nude Trump last night, we drank red wine, ate nostalgic cheese, sang Japanese post-war songs and talked until late night. I love to hear their stories.

Katie

hibernation

hibernation

One consequence of my temporary somewhat aimless existence shows itself 

in the every day efforts of keeping skin moistened,

eyes dry

and lips red, so that words would come out a little more sweet,

and a little less harsh.

I guess I'm just hibernating.

 

I was drawing on my Bunka application photo today while waiting for my friend at home.

Katie

2011

2011

I just came home and without even being sleepy at all I sit here in my small apartment at 6 am. The year 2011 is 6 hours old, the year 2010 died 6 hours ago.What I took with me from the old year are broken bones and some stories about broken hearts, broken promises, broken rules and broken borders. 2010 did just as many good things to me as it did bad things. It seems unreal, but the first sunrise of the new year proof enough that it's ok to forget about what happened yesterday and the 365 days before.

What I will miss most about 2010 are it's memories. Sometimes I just move to fast, being somewhat reckless with beautiful moments and just as I realize it, they are already forgotten and I regret not to have saved them in the huge database brain. So now, 6:30 am, Jens Lekman purring love songs into the earliest hours of the 1st of January, I try hard to recall the most memorable moments of each month in 2010.

January: We all woke up at my friends apartment in Shimotakaido excactly one year ago on 01/01. We took a long long walk to a temple in Medaimae, just to see 10000 people standing in line and going back home for Nabe-Lunch.

February: My calendar says that on 02/25 I had my first ice cream of 2010. I guess that was the happiest moment of February.

March: empty.

April: 04/02, the last Teenage Kicks. After that Tokyo Parties just became boring and shallow.

May: 05/14, I went to see the XX with my best friend in Daikanyama. Two hours before the concert started we sat down by the riverside in Nakameguro had sparkling wine and champagne ice cream. Even though it was raining a little bit we sat there until 5 minutes before the concert started. It was one of the most beautiful days of the year. After the concert we stole a pig, ran to Ebisu, I went to see some friends in some Boobs-Bar in Shinjuku and with the last train I went back to my friends place and we made the covers for my friend Risas first Mix CD and I named it: Feed my poison.

June: 06/05, BIG BEACH FESTIVAL 2010. Nothing more to say. The best day of the year.

July: 07/09, my mom arrived in Japan and stayed a whole month. My favorite time of the year.

August: My mom left and a few days later my friend Tommy came to visit from Germany and stayed for ONE MONTH.

September: My birthday on 09/08 was Dooms day, but on 13/09 we all went to my friend Mari's bar in Takadanobaba and had a terrific birthday party.

October: There wasn't anything really good in October. I handed in my application for Bunka Fashion College and started becoming an sad, bitter and bored something. Summer was over and no one in sight to keep my bed warm during the cold season.

November: 11/13, dooms day 2010 pt. 2. I had my entrance exam for Bunka. I think I peed my pants that day. But the announced the results on the 24th and everything turned out well. hey, I'm in.

December: One of the saddest months of 2010. I wanted to go home to Germany so badly, but I couldn't, which really made me start to hate Tokyo. But at the end of 2010 I started to take heart from my life again.

So here I am now, 2011/01/01, 7 am and I wonder who would like to spend the day with me today. And I wonder what the day will bring.

Hello 2011.

The last sunset of 2010.

Katie